| The Wishes |
[November 11th, 2009 / 6:22pm] |
i wish i could make my dad happy.
i wish my mom would come home so we could just eat and then i could hide upstairs for the rest of the night.
i wish my periods didn't effin hurt so much.
i wish i didn't have to go to school tomorrow.
i wish it was tomorrow night.
i wish i had more clothes.
i wish i was skinny.
i wish i had my own car.
i wish i had places to go.
i wish i had money to go to these places.
i wish alicia didn't rape me today.
i wish i had somebody who would just hold me and watch movie after movie, and episode after episode with me.
EXCEPT ALICIA DIDN'T REALLY RAPE ME.
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| Hannah |
[November 11th, 2009 / 12:25pm] |
Finally the prints are going to be made tonight. I couldn't be more excited.
In general life is pretty good.
I've been hanging out with Amanda a lot more lately, which is weird because if any of you have known me for an extended period of time, you'd know that we hated each other's guts for the longest time. I really enjoy being around her and I don't think I could ever get tired of just TALKING to her. Nuh uh.
It's getting closer to Christmas every day (whoa, common sense!) and I've already started buying presents. Well, I bought one and it was for myself. I'm not sure why, but everyone this year is just buying shit for themselves and wrapping it and putting it under the tree haha I bought me some of Paris Hilton's perfume. It's a set that has all of them together. I'm so stoked about it. I'm glad I found it, too, because the only other gift sets you can find like that have stupid lotions and shit I don't want in them.
I'm buying one of Gabe's presents tomorrow and something for my stepdad. I'm pretty sure he's the hardest person in the world to buy presents for. He told me he just wants assorted nuts, so assorted nuts he shall receive.
Does anyone else want to send presents to eachother? :D
I think that'd be cute. Mhmhm. I'm down if you are.
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| apologies in advance. |
[November 11th, 2009 / 3:15am] |
fine. fuck it. youll get me at a moment of weakness.
i can already feel the "you're going to regret this in the morning," but fuck it.
you can sit all day online and read about peoples sadness of breakups. the post sensitive-artist drivel that pours out of their mouths and on to blogs around the world. there certainly is no shortage of that. and god, you certainly dont need to read that. but truthfully, i havent felt much. its as if its not really happening. i havent cried or even felt the urge to. which is strange since i have lost it after ending things with girls i barely even cared about. maybe most of those were about the fear of being alone but i think im actually pretty okay with being with me and my head. and really, i have so many of you to thank for it. the more you go around talking about things, the more you learn coping skills. well, thats what the doctor said on the documentary i watched a few nights ago about people who survived plane crashes. but i think the emotions i placed on breakups back then were really misdirected because i simply didnt want to be alone.
but this time is different. oh, listen to the cliches already.
see, i havent mourned. i havent opened up. every last person who has asked me what happened i have told them, "it was just that time,"... which really is just bullshit. its no reason. its the reason you give when you dont want to go into just how badly the other person wrecked you. when asked, "how are you doing?" i have responded, "im fine," no less than 100 times in the past day.
i truly am stoked that i would have so many people out there willing to listen to me. i am thankful of this every waking hour. but this thing, like all breakups, is done alone. you can talk all you like but no one holds your hand while the thoughts of that person making out with someone new race through your head at 3:18am. no one is there when you realize you will never hear that laugh or feel her hands as she played with your hair or the way she depended on you. because it was awesome that she depended upon you. because it made it feel real. fuck all the psychological bullshit about it being unhealthy, it was rad when she looked to me for advice. it was rad to know someone who truly knew me. me. not the funny me, or the writer me, or the internet me, or the pizza guy me... but the me who likes putting my feet on the bottoms of your feet. the me who would just stare at you from across the room even after three years and just watch you yell at a computer screen and think it was more adorable than kittens. the me who thought you were funnier than anyone and everyone combined. the me who thought you were "cool", like fucking cool. the me who loved the smell of your dirty hair. the me who found it endearing when i saw your dirty underwear. because thats how real it was. more real than any of them combined.
(no offense to those who still read this)
and sure, maybe its fucked up that i still wake up with a smile. i eat just fine and go about my day. i laugh and order food and get tea with friends and shop and my life hasnt missed a beat. not a skip. not a moment staring at a blank wall. and that sucks. because i know what that means. it means that i am not prepared for this type of devastation. my brain and heart have not come up against anything like this and they are shutting down. like preparing for hypothermia, they are shutting down parts of my body to protect my core. but its only a matter of time before the bomb drops. before the cold takes over and i feel it. i know what wreckage feels like and if i hold my breath and pretend its not happening, its not happening. but see i have taken it all and walked away from: 5.5, 3.5, 5, and 3.5 year relationships. yeah, add it up. none. none have come close. none WILL come close to this level of devastation.
you know i talk to girls now and it feels hollow. i say the words and play the game and none of it is real. my mouth moves and my brain is just shaking its head from side to side in disappointment. its all words. its all well put together phrases designed to evoke a response.
wanna see?
"you look adorable today. i love what you did with your eyeshadow." instant smile.
its not a lie... but i know what im doing. i wouldnt say it if i didnt mean it but i also know what emotion it evokes. its like i have been cursed because i have studied how to speak to people, how to captivate peoples attention and how to write the words. again, they arent lies. but they are intentional.
i hate this. right now. i hate the fact that i never had to pull any of that bullshit with her when i did with every last girl i even kissed. and you know, its a fucking embarrassingly long list. and not once, well maybe in the very very beginning, but never did i pull that bullshit with her. you know why, because she called me on it. for all the shit i talked she was beyond brilliant with a bullshit meter that could tell the future. and i needed that. i needed someone to call me on my shit. because no one ever did. and yeah, maybe it was messed up and dysfunctional and messy but fuck it was real.
so ill fall asleep just fine tonight, just like i have for the last week. no worse sleep than usual. no staying up late pouring words into some secret journal. no bad mouthing her to my friends and no spontaneous bursts of sobbing. and thats fucked. because i know its coming. more than it ever has before, its coming... sweet, just in time for my birthday on tuesday, the release of a new book, thanksgiving and maybe even christmas.
so yeah, things are "fine" right now. but they wont be.
hey, you said you wanted to listen.
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| Confessions of an Emily pt 5 |
[November 10th, 2009 / 6:23pm] |
35. when i think about something embarrassing that's happened to me, or something i wish i could take back that i've said, i scrunch of my face and my stomach flips like memory vomit.
36. i have a problem when anyone other then me makes fun of my family.
37. i try my best to always appreciate the life i have while keeping in mind how thousands of kids my age don't. especially the girls in israel.
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[November 9th, 2009 / 11:20pm] |
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music |
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turning point |
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i didn't hook up with anyone or get into any fights or say anything inappropriate. you wanna talk shit and make shit up, go on ahead... all of you are so perfect.
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| Amanda |
[November 9th, 2009 / 8:13pm] |
Finally, my much awaited series has hit my flickr.
This week Amanda and I are going to make prints of these this week and we'll be matting them as well.
I can't even begin to explain how happy with how these turned out. I'm so excited to be making prints finally, I'm so excited for everyone to see this. I'm so excited for possible gallery showings with my friend Kelsey. She's going to school for cinematography (like I once wanted to) and spends most of her time making stop motion movies and I couldn't choose a better person to work with.
So check these all out and PLEASE do tell me how you feel. I definitely care. I really, really care.<3
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| the irony of battle plans. |
[November 9th, 2009 / 6:39pm] |
its funny when even kelly clarkson songs begin to have meaning. its also an interesting time we live in when its not so much the words that cut the cord but the click of the 'relationship status' on facebook profiles.
and just like the one before and the one before and the one before her, i will keep my chin up and maintain a smile because next week wont hurt as bad as this week and next month wont hurt as bad as this month. come summer time this will all be but a faint memory obscured by time and the clarity of black and white.
because this is how its always been.
its the rare instance when time is actually our friend.
single.
please be respectful.
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| demonstrative monsters. |
[November 8th, 2009 / 2:12am] |
(the consequences of keeping quiet)
(the impossibility of shaking what shakes you)
(the sex pistols have always been the soundtrack of my finest moments)
(rudy cant lose)
(grape juice and lime chips)
(how to live forever)
(knives away for a night)
(broken promises to real life monsters)
(battle plans and survival manuals)
(59 and 83rd)
17.11.09. 8pm. australian time.
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| DXS007 update and potential kangaroo sex? |
[November 7th, 2009 / 11:28pm] |
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on the off chance you havent been keeping up with the to-dos of my life, well let me tell you about how im putting out a new book next month. NEXT MONTH! this is crazy-talk, chris. well its true. but heres the catch. there will only be 150 of them printed. evar. it will be hardcover and yes, expensive.
but let me tell you how stoked i am on this book. but chris, arent you stoked on all of your books? well, sure. each one is like an illegitimate love-child that i get to share with the world. wait.
anywho, when i meet people and have to have the 'oh, so what do you do?' talk, i say im a writer. to which their immediate response is, "oh, can i have/buy one of your books?" nice that they're interested but i dont really have a book that truly represents the short-story style that im most happy writing.
ok, yes, my first two books (on the upswing, which is sold out and a life deliberate) are that style but they're older and i feel that i am a much better writer than i was back then. dont get me wrong, i love the stories, i just feel that i could have told them better. (but dont let that discourage you from buying one of the last remaining 100 copies of a life deliberate over at deadxstop.com, kisses).
my 3rd book, notes from the deep end is sold out as well, my 4th book, selected works 2004-2008 is awesome and all but its all LJ rants and my newest endeavor, REMNANTS is my proudest yet but i only have one story in the damn thing.
so...
i wanted to write something that i can hand someone without excuses. without having to say, "well, this isnt exactly what i usually do," or, "its sold out," or, "well, this book is like my demo tape."
i cant say the title just yet because i have to make sure i can use this image first because it would work so perfectly with what im looking to do that if the artist wont give me permission im going to change the title of the book. yes, im a nerd. but i will tell you it is 10 stories in the style of my first two books and it will go on pre-sale on my birfday, november 17th.
- and now i will leave you with a video of me running game on some marsupials:
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[November 7th, 2009 / 10:10am] |
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So I will be spinning a flag and performing with the rutgers drunline in times square on the 19th for the grand opening of american eagle's flagship store.
OH AND I GET A FREE HOODIE.
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| The BoobaLoosa |
[November 6th, 2009 / 11:01pm] |
tonight i went everywhere. i really love being able to drive myself. at night. with the music blasting. would go into detail but i'm tired, and bored, and totally to lazy. let's just say it was eventful. something smells. maybe it's me. it's been a long day. or maybe it's hope. she smells. in my opinion worse than draco, but she's a good dog. i love ugly betty. suchhhhhhhhh a beautiful show. i just amanda would get her damn paws off of matt, him and betty need to be togeather, betty and matt, or betty and daniel. but i really like daniel and that new girl who i really like, so clearly, betty and matt. unless we want to bring geo back, but that's not happening. dear lord, i'm cold. imma go grab that blanket.
GOT IT!
i'm hungry. sharing chinese with alicia isn't easy. i wish i could make sgettieos. i'm probably too tired. yup. totally too tired. totally against amanda in this episode, she used ta be meh fav too. i think matt's my fav now. he's so cute. i love him. i'd marry him, i would. for those of you who don't watch ugly betty he's the guy in the mcdonalds "what can i get for this dollar" commericial.
okay, what i said about daniel's new girl, i take back. SHE BE BITCHIN.
and not in the good way.
so not in the good way.
i love how this is all about nothing.
OMG TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING. this show, holy suggasnap love this show.
ps i really just want betty and matt to get back togeather.
i promise it'd make me feel better about my own lack of a love life.
okay, i'm ending this cause it's so dumb. okay, night :]
p.s. i had NO idea what to title this shiz so accept it :]
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| apt 203. |
[November 6th, 2009 / 3:45am] |
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we talked about the old apartment today. me and boo. simple talk about playing video games all night. we laughed until i felt the familiar sting of nostalgia come on. i never saw that place as anything more than a transition hole between where i grew up and where i landed in chicago, yet we lived there together for 6 years.
second floor, above the roaches and drug dealers and addicts. mashed potatoes on the ceiling and vomit on the couches. filthy. but today i missed it.
some day i will look back at these moments lying in this bed as a memorable time. the nights of pizza and video games here will hold warm memories and i will wonder whatever became of so and so despite spending hours talking with them into the early morning hours. i will forget names and faces. people and addresses will slowly fade from my memory and i will be living another chapter.
its sad, really. people rust. they evaporate. they slowly erase. and we wonder what happened. was it our fault or theirs? did we neglect the friendship or did they no longer need what we had to give? the boys, the girls. one day their names will begin with, "you know, whats her name."
its tough when you realize that the nature of relationships is constantly evolving, despite every attempt you make to make it last. to live in love. to freeze people in memory.
the rest of my life will be a continuous series of beginnings. of handshakes and text avoidance.
someone freeze me.
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| The Filler |
[November 4th, 2009 / 5:22pm] |
i'm so tired. i don't know why, i went to sleep at nine last night. beautiful, beautiful nine oh clock. and yet here i am. i wish i had interesting things to report. other then art and driving i haven't really had much to look forward to. like not that im misriable in the in between, i don't know, it's just whateves. something interesting would be nice, but it's always when i get board like this it does and then i don't know. i wish i i had candy. the fact that i had like under ten peices of candy on halloween really upsets me. though i do approve of currently housing three cans of spagetti o's. AHHHHH creepin cats. poppin muh bubble. lots of people don't want the seniors to leave, they don't want to be 12th graders, don't want to graduate and go to college. but i'm not afraid. i'll miss, and cry, and wish. but i'm not afraid.
oh and apparently i'm going to be a comic book artist.
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[November 4th, 2009 / 9:48am] |
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organic chemistry is truly the bane of my existence. the absolute worst part about the previous statement is that i am taking it as an elective -________-
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| the top five video games of all time. |
[November 4th, 2009 / 12:31am] |
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yars revenge:
when atari was in its heyday, yars revenge spearheaded my obsession. it was clean and simple, not jerky and awkward unlike its lost in translation arcade cartridge counterparts like donkey kong, pac-man or frogger. yars revenge was simple yet addicting. your little ship had to eat away at the orange shield all while the little flashing dot was trying to get up in your ass. as simple as pong, as brilliant as snake and almost as hard to advance like ET for atari. the great thing about atari controllers was they were durable as a mofucker and my ass was throwing em like it was my job. say all you want about early video games being aesthetically unappealing, those games were goddamn impossible.
mortal kombat 2:
while the original MK and MK3 were awesome, nothing really sank its claws into me like MK2. this was what spawned my arcade mid-90s revival. sometimes we would have to bring extra shirts because of how much we would sweat while dropping tokens and wanting to strangle the buster who kept doing that damn mileena roll over and over. many nights were wasted and many controllers were broken playing this for the SNES. while one tour last summer i stayed at a friends house. he had an MK2 and when we started playing i immediately got that "imma bite the shit out of this controller" feeling back, so much so i had to put it down and walk away. because it was always the controllers fault. ps. flips were for pussies.
galaga:
the original allowance stealer. this game dominated 80s arcades more than any weed dealing burnout ever could. i remember seeing it for the first time and all the quarters the kids in the iron maiden shirts had lined up along the screen waiting to get "next". it took weeks before i found any down time to sneak in a game. i fell in love so hard that i almost came in my pants when in the winter of 96 my exgf bought me the actual arcade game for my birfday. it still adorns my living room and plays just as well as it did in 1982. sometimes i just sit and stare at it like it is a 200 pound piece of art.
robotron 2084:
you want to know what intensity is, play this fucking game. if the screen shot below is an indicator of how much of mess this game is you have no fucking clue the world of insanity a quarter would buy you in the 80s. no game before or since shreds like this mofucker. none. by time you press start on the game you've got about 18 seconds to slay your way through a never-ending onslaught of robots. its pure fucking anarchy. no skill or tactics are involved because you dont have enough time to even think. by time the phrase, "holy fuck this game is insane" comes out of your mouth the screen is already reading 'game over'. if los crudos and minor threat were a video game, this is what you would mosh dive to.
call of duty:
since the late 70s i have been a boy fixated on video games. i remember when pac-man was the new national obsession, when frogger was cutting edge, when dragons lair was next level, when NHL 93 still had blood, when NBA jam was the jam, when golden eye for N64 made you want to fight your friends, when silent scope was brilliant and when guitar hero made kids never want to play a real guitar again. what im saying is that having been there and played it all, the call of duty series (modern warfare/world at war) is so truly life-enveloping that it feels like you're killing actual nazis. so much so that a rabbi credited it with him getting over his fear of them. modern warfare is the best selling first person game of all time for a reason. and watching fruity get so mad that hes on the verge of tears might be one of the greatest sights of all time.
what are yours?
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[November 4th, 2009 / 12:36am] |
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blood sugar baby sex magik sex magik
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| The License pt 2 |
[November 3rd, 2009 / 6:00pm] |
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music |
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The Rembrandts |
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i passed. so today after paying insurance which was only 65 instead of 90, i took tiffany out just the two of us for the first time, it was beautiful. we ventured over to the northern side of town and visited all the lovely books in barns and nobel. there i kanoddled with alicia as we explored post secrets and then went and bought me spaghetti o's (cause we currently have NO food which is not okay for the varley house. and spaghetti o's are only .88 and that's just beautiful.) then on the way home i passed alicia in the left lane and laughed cause i just love driving with my radio blasting and having this new found alone time.
p.s. i'm currently in the process of making a various selection of cds, each one will fit a mood. i know, me and my brilliant ideas.
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| NaNowriMo |
[November 2nd, 2009 / 9:30pm] |
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Who needs a plot anyway?
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[November 2nd, 2009 / 12:07pm] |
Food I am in the mood for literally 24/7
Tacos
Hot dogs
Pizza
All day, every day please.
I finally saw Antichrist. YES!!! Halloween was wonderful, but I'm the only one who knows how to take pictures of anyone, so Gabe and I didn't get a picture together. Go figure :(
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| she would not... |
[November 2nd, 2009 / 11:44am] |
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"There was something different about her, Jake had to admit. She had a beautiful face, a beautiful body, but also a distance in her such as he had never met in a woman. Certain mountains were that way, like the Bighorns. The air around them was so clear you could ride toward them for days without seeming to get any closer. And yet, if you kept riding, you would get to the mountains. He was not so sure he would ever get to Lorie. Even when she took him, there was a distance between them. And yet she would not let him leave."
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